If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
