Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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