you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
