since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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