cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
50% drunk capacity currently
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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