happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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