saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
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Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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