i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
