Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
