Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
