Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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