I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
