1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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