Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
