good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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