I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
