happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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