So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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