Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
