Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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