I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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