The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You have to summon your inner elephant
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
