I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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