i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
