No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
