I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
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We have started to decorate penises.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.