I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
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I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.