I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think a kid would responsible me up
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.