I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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