were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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