He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
