I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
