I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
don't judge my taste in strippers
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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