Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
