i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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