Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Never joke about your clitoris.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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