Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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