If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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