I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
