When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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