Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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