I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
