Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
sex in a hospital.. check
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
