You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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