i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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