New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
