Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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