Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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