I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
