i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
