sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
