3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
