Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
