got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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